covered failings

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I was out with my entire family, something that rarely happens due to lack of funds and/ or my kids’ busy work, school and activity schedules.

During this rare treasured outing, my husband and I had purchased all of the kids a snack and they were sitting together on a bench eating, smiling, getting along and thanking us for the food.

In that moment, I became completely overwhelmed by what was playing out before me – happy, smiling, joking, loving, grateful, thankful kids.  Tears welled up in my eyes and I had a very hard time keeping myself from breaking down into uncontrolable sobs.  My son looked up at me and said, “mom, please don’t cry”  which made holding back the tears an even bigger challenge.

In the past, many of my tears were more about the guilt I have held onto for so long, raising kids while my illness took a front seat.  Having children before I knew I had these congenital illnesses, and the true horror of discovering that you have passed these nightmares onto the ones you love more than life itself.

But this is not what I was feeling in that moment.  Instead, I was caught up in pure love for my children, the extreme gratitude that God had blessed me with each one of them and felt me worthy of giving me such beautiful humans to care for.  God believed that I was worthy of being their mother, a gift I humbly treasure every – single – day.

Not only has God seen me worthy of such enormous blessings as my children, but that He has also covered over my failings, filled in the numerous cracks that I left as a ill and flawed human being.  He did what I had prayed and prayed that He would do, to make up for my many shortcomings as a parent, and despite my illnesses, allow my kids to grow up to be loving, caring, compassionate and unique individuals.  Prayers answered………and because of these gifts, my heart was too full with awe.  The happiness that flowed through my veins could not be contained within my body but instead flowed over and out my eyes………

They say that the window to one’s soul is through the eyes……….I hope my children could see that the tears were from the love overflowing in my heart for each one of them.

 

~ wendi is the author of two books that you can view here.

 

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peace

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People

Encouraging  (and)

Achieving

Calm  (with)

Everyone

 

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~ wendi, under the pen name Charlie, is the author of Frugal Seeds: 501 Ways to Make, Save or Stretch a Dollar

the unkind

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don’t allow less than kind people to steal your precious energy and joy,

instead,

take a deep breath,

and show them the love they must be lacking in their lives.

 

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forest

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searching a dense forest,

no sunlight can reach me,

its vastness surrounds me and I cannot find my way,

I whisper his name…..

and all I can hear is my own voice calling back to me…….saying

……..where are you?

 

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. 

 

~ wendi is the author of two books, you can view them here.

friendships and chronic illness

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This is a tough subject for me to write about as it brings up a big bag of mixed emotions.  Chronic illness makes relationships tough, very tough.  When you have been ill as long as I have, friendships tend to fall by the way side.  People in our society want a quick fix, “feel better soon” is on so many cards that I want to puke.  CI doesn’t work that way, sickness is forever, barring a miraculous healing……and……yes, I pray and continue to pray for healing and continue to learn about my illnesses and take what steps I can to heal, but our society doesn’t like to deal with things for the long haul.

When you don’t know how you are going to feel in a week, let alone the next hour, it is hard to plan ahead.  Your brain so wants to go out and have fun, see friends, explore the world, plan a vacation for next year, but your body may have a very different plan.

As you grow older with your illness(es) it is even harder to maintain friendships.  You have had to cancel too often, your energy to reach out to people starts to dwindle.  You have a hard enough time just getting through your day……….work (if that is even possible), laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kiddos (if that is in your life), medical appointments, the list goes on and on………………by the end of the day, there is little to no energy left – if you even made it to the end of the day without having to crawl back into bed or back to the sofa.

This post may be sounding a bit like a downer, but I don’t mean it to be so.  It is more of a realistic reflection by someone who has been living this life for more than two decades.  Only you can determine how to maintain friendships, but I have discovered that it was much easier when I was younger………but as people grow older, have families, careers, their lives become bigger and mine has become smaller.  Yes, I was blessed with kids before my CIs really took hold, so all of my energy went to trying to get through my day.  Maintaining friendships for me was sending emails and personal letters letting others know I was thinking about them.  So many outings and get-togethers had to be cancelled because I just couldn’t be there………..some people get it, others don’t, and you just have to let those that don’t go.  It’s not worth the effort or stress on your already struggling body.

You have to be strong enough to truly believe that this is not your fault.  You did nothing wrong and you are an amazing person, they are the ones who are missing out by not taking time to be around you.  I have come to realize in my years of interacting with people who suffer, most of them are the most compassionate, loving, strong, amazing, gentle, generous people around.  If someone can’t see that because you had to cancel dinner plans as a result of your illness……..it is their loss.  Eventually the friendship will dissolve and that extra energy can be put in a place where someone will appreciate it and just maybe that someone is YOU!

 

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cs lewis quote on friendship 15 Famous Quotes on Friendship

will you leave me?

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i can’t keep up with you……………

…………do you secretly want to leave me?

i anxiously worry about the future……………………what if i don’t heal

…………will you dream about leaving me?

what if i get worse………….and i can no longer leave the house?

………..will you pray about leaving me?

what if i require even more of your time and energy………………..

……….will you desire to leave me?

what if i can no longer walk by your side…………………

……………will you hope to live a life free of me?

what if you become bored and she can do more………….

………….will you plan to leave me?

i am so thankful you have stayed this long…………..is it selfish to ask for more?

who wants to be tied down when you are physically able and free to go………………….

……………do you want to leave me?

………….what if?