fear

person wearing led mask

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fear

seeps into your mind like an early morning fog,

slowly expanding into all the open trenches

unfilled spaces

finding places in the mind you didn’t know existed

enlarging to leave no room for productive thoughts

protecting its position like a vicious dog guarding it’s home

settling in like the dust in the carpet

seemingly unnoticed and determined to anchor down for the long haul

 

I am ready to clean house

sweeping it out, not under the rug

searching for all the hiding places

wanting to turn this into a childhood game i no longer want to play

i will find you

searching, one-by-one, the hidden rooms of my mind,

evicting the fear and pain

refilling the room with light and love and hope

 

slamming the door shut with a vengence

securing the deadbolt and allowing the love to expand to fill each and every room.

 

white wall

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don’t give up

 

ball ball shaped blur color

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when the world seems stacked against you

and the wind is refusing to be at your back

 

lights appear to dim as you walk into a room

flowers wilt and die before your tired eyes

and those who are suppose to love you never seemed to care

 

these moments in life can overtake us

creating a sense of feeling unworthy, useless, spent

 

but you are so very beautiful and you are loved,

if not by those who fail to see your inherent worth,

 

remember you are cherished by the one who created you

and the beauty of life will reveal itself to you as

 

a new day will dawn

the fog will clear

and clouds will part

the rain will halt

the sun will shine

birds will sing

and flowers will bloom

 

 

 

my prayer for you

art beach beautiful clouds

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that you experience true love

soaking in the sweetness of being loved for who you are

no matter what your failings, limitations or inabilities that may fill your body

 

that you feel safe in the arms of another

held when you are unsure or scared

lying closely as your heartbeats create a synchronous rhythm of comfort and respect

 

that your hand will be held with gentleness and caring to help guide you through life

you are comforted when ill

and protected when you are weak

 

that you find joy in their presence

your 1,000th kiss will feel like the first

and your day will not be complete without seeing the beauty of your love reflected back in their face

 

 

 

flicker

lighted candle

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pitch darkness is a space where you are forced to discover what you are truly made of and how you were created

veils fall off those who surround you, and their souls reveil as they truly are

terror strikes in isolating darkness,  not knowing what or who is around the next corner,  taking each step with a movement of faith, yet questioning where your faith lies

only in true darkness can you see flickers of light, from yourself, or from others in your life

allow that flickering of light, no matter how weak, illuminate your path

you were not meant for the dark, yet only by trudging through the darkness can you truly appreciate the light.

Tears

under water photo

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There are days that I just can not pretend to be ok for one more second.  The pain. The fog.  The fear.  The unknown.  It gets the best of me, despite how hard I try to ignore it.  It is in these moments that I fall apart.

I cry a personal brook, weeping myself into moments of inconsolable sadness.  As I try to pull myself out of the despair, I think about all the people who have it worse, who are in their own part of the world crying their own personal stream………babbling to themselves that no one understands.

I visualize the tears of those who cry out for help………turning into streams………the streams all meeting up forming an ocean of tears…..

These tears are not seen by many, only those who live within the ocean, on an island of illness………..it is only when the winds pick up and the ocean gains strength enough to cry out do we really see the others who live here too.

But here in the ocean of tears, you find an abundance of life, completely different than what you would find on land –  but beautiful just the same.

 

 

~ wendi is the author of two books, you can view them here.

 

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graveyard

 

brown and black snail crawling on wall

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My graveyard of regrets overflows with markers

The place I would go to bury my unfulfilled hope and dreams

They lie entombed, not as a result of lack of effort or desire

But due to circumstances beyond my control

 

I don’t like to visit this dreadful space – yet it remains outside my front door

So I have made a plan to transform this place

Planting colorful flowers on each grave

With a prayer that each unfulfilled wish

Will create a place much more beautiful than before.

 

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beautiful blooming blossom blur

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~ wendi, under the pen name Charlie, is the author of Frugal Seeds: 501 Ways to Make, Save, or Stretch a Dollar

 

true love

monochrome photo of couple holding hands

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true love is not easy, in fact it is down right hard.

loving someone when everything is going well is easy, so easy it makes me laugh.

real love is when you stick around for the hard stuff.

the real hard stuff isn’t financial troubles or family squabbles…..

if you are physically well, you can work two jobs, it might be hard but, if you are healthy it is doable.

family issues can be worked out if you have the health to endure them or capable to physically pick yourself up and move.

but illness………it shakes you to the core.  lives are transformed in an instant, roles change, individuals get lost in the symptoms leaving the caretaker to fed for themselves in a sea of uncertainty.

only with true love do you have the freedom to heal.

Today, may you experience a sense of healing, no matter how small.

 

Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. 

 

~ wendi, under the pen name Charlie, is the author of Frugal Seeds: 501 Ways to Make, Save, or Stretch a Dollar.

what if?

woman dark eye spooky

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what if there was no sadness?

what if there was no pain?

what if there was no sorrow?

what if there was no illness?

what if there were no struggles?

what if there was no evil?

what if there was no hunger?

 

what would all of that mean?

 

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A picture is worth a 1,000 words.

adventure attraction blur calm

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…..or maybe just a hundred or so.

Although this post has little to do with living simply with chronic illness, I wanted to write down why I chose the picture I did as the “theme” for this blog.  Yes, the picture was one of the free choices, but once I saw the photo I knew it was perfect.

In my imagination the picture creates an image of  a small farm in the late fall with a barn standing proudly next to the beautifully sunlit apple orchard.  The barn made me think of me, weather beaten, worn, tired and working hard to remain standing against all that mother nature continues to throw at me.  I look functional and I still have an important job to do but the outside looks so much stronger than what in going on inside.

The trees represent those of us with chronic illness standing so alone, yet gathered together for a common purpose.  We are bare and vulnerable to the elements without the covering of leaves and fruit and the health that others take so much for granted.  We were once bursting with the fullness of life, just like the trees in the spring and summer, but now it is autumn, with the hope that spring will come again.

It is dawn and with it comes the promise of a new day.  Each new day gives us a fresh start  with endless possibilities and hopes of a miracle.  Maybe, just maybe, this day will bring a miracle for you and for me.  Here is to new days, hopes, and dreams that just may come true.