pain

adult alone anxious black and white

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in those deep and dark moments of physical and emotional pain you search your soul for strength………….

and in those moments you pray for guidance, for relief – that if there is a lesson to be learned………….to please reveal it in a clear and gentle way………….

maybe it is in these moments when we really learn how strong we are, or maybe it is how weak………..

that we can get through this on our own…………….or that we need others

we are mentally strong enough to tackle it head on……………..or how close we are  completely losing it………….

it is in these moments we realize just how fragile we are………..how we walk a pencil thin line everyday………….between making it and breaking down………….

 

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will you leave me?

man walking on floor

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i can’t keep up with you……………

…………do you secretly want to leave me?

i anxiously worry about the future……………………what if i don’t heal

…………will you dream about leaving me?

what if i get worse………….and i can no longer leave the house?

………..will you pray about leaving me?

what if i require even more of your time and energy………………..

……….will you desire to leave me?

what if i can no longer walk by your side…………………

……………will you hope to live a life free of me?

what if you become bored and she can do more………….

………….will you plan to leave me?

i am so thankful you have stayed this long…………..is it selfish to ask for more?

who wants to be tied down when you are physically able and free to go………………….

……………do you want to leave me?

………….what if?

fire

night fire burning sparks

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i needed the fire to provide warmth, safety from the dark, desolate night.

i sat alone, afraid of the dark, afraid of what i could not see………

i heard sounds of creatures that may be lurking in the dark shadows to hurt me

i needed to rest, but i was too fearful………..

as the fire began to die and the sun began to rise, i looked around and found

i was not alone….

i was never alone………..but i was too afraid to take my eyes off the flames………..to recognize the sounds were human not beast.  i was never in danger……..he was always there, i just wouldn’t see.

the dock

bridge colorful colourful dock

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I am standing on a weather worn dock, sticking out into the ocean.  It is strong and sturdy despite its wear.

behind me is  youthful exuberance, naturally green, full of movement and adventure.

I can’t really see it anymore……….if i turn around i have to squint to make out land, but I can tell it is green and there are people enjoying its beauty.

the waves roll on pass me.  the wind whips my clothing.

i can’t see very far in front of me.  i see the water, the waves coming in.  but there is no land……….no peninsula, no island, not even a boat in sight, nowhere to stop if I fall in.

the waves keep picking up speed.  the white caps begin to grow……….there is power in their beauty.  there is strength in their sound.

water hits the dock……..over the top and onto my bare legs…………it is so cold.

the water begins to come over the dock………i am holding on as not to be pull in by the waves.  How much strength will it take, how long will this last, how cold will it get?

i search for a place to go……………i can’t go back, the steps have vanished.

forward is water with no end in sight……………

and so I hold on and tell myself, I am strong.

 

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