can I run fast enough?

person running in the hallway

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there are days i want to run…….run so fast that my illnesses can’t keep up.

 

i will keep running until i can no longer feel them nipping at my heels, stalking me, tormenting me…….

 

trying to catch up and derail my goals, my dreams, my future

 

i will keep running until i am completely out of breath and i am so far out ahead that i can hide myself  from the beasts and watch them move past me……….

 

i will turn around and joyfully limp back to my life………

 

drums

close up photo of brown instrument with blue sticks

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the drums are beating…………i hear them from afar and they draw me in.

as i walk i try to hide myself from its pull

the beats, like my heart, give life to all that is around it

i creep closer……….the drum is under the open sky

i search for people………no one is there,

the drum is beating on its own

calling out to those who need to hear it, it draws us in……….

people begin encircling the drum from all directions- walking out of the darkness

searching for their own beating heart

 

 

tornado

tornado on body of water during golden hour

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a chronic illness is like a tornado………..it starts with little warning………the right conditions merging together to create a destructive force

it can create mass devastation to everyone and everything in it’s path with no regard to human suffering

it creates mass casualties

it destroys lives in a matter of moments

sends dreams flying through the air with no safe place to land

 

it brings people to their knees, crying………”I lost so much”

lives must be rebuilt

and maybe, just maybe, we will be able to rebuild a good life again, complete with blue skies and sunshine

friendships and chronic illness

adorable animals breed canine

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This is a tough subject for me to write about as it brings up a big bag of mixed emotions.  Chronic illness makes relationships tough, very tough.  When you have been ill as long as I have, friendships tend to fall by the way side.  People in our society want a quick fix, “feel better soon” is on so many cards that I want to puke.  CI doesn’t work that way, sickness is forever, barring a miraculous healing……and……yes, I pray and continue to pray for healing and continue to learn about my illnesses and take what steps I can to heal, but our society doesn’t like to deal with things for the long haul.

When you don’t know how you are going to feel in a week, let alone the next hour, it is hard to plan ahead.  Your brain so wants to go out and have fun, see friends, explore the world, plan a vacation for next year, but your body may have a very different plan.

As you grow older with your illness(es) it is even harder to maintain friendships.  You have had to cancel too often, your energy to reach out to people starts to dwindle.  You have a hard enough time just getting through your day……….work (if that is even possible), laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kiddos (if that is in your life), medical appointments, the list goes on and on………………by the end of the day, there is little to no energy left – if you even made it to the end of the day without having to crawl back into bed or back to the sofa.

This post may be sounding a bit like a downer, but I don’t mean it to be so.  It is more of a realistic reflection by someone who has been living this life for more than two decades.  Only you can determine how to maintain friendships, but I have discovered that it was much easier when I was younger………but as people grow older, have families, careers, their lives become bigger and mine has become smaller.  Yes, I was blessed with kids before my CIs really took hold, so all of my energy went to trying to get through my day.  Maintaining friendships for me was sending emails and personal letters letting others know I was thinking about them.  So many outings and get-togethers had to be cancelled because I just couldn’t be there………..some people get it, others don’t, and you just have to let those that don’t go.  It’s not worth the effort or stress on your already struggling body.

You have to be strong enough to truly believe that this is not your fault.  You did nothing wrong and you are an amazing person, they are the ones who are missing out by not taking time to be around you.  I have come to realize in my years of interacting with people who suffer, most of them are the most compassionate, loving, strong, amazing, gentle, generous people around.  If someone can’t see that because you had to cancel dinner plans as a result of your illness……..it is their loss.  Eventually the friendship will dissolve and that extra energy can be put in a place where someone will appreciate it and just maybe that someone is YOU!

 

 

cs lewis quote on friendship 15 Famous Quotes on Friendship

pain

adult alone anxious black and white

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in those deep and dark moments of physical and emotional pain you search your soul for strength………….

and in those moments you pray for guidance, for relief – that if there is a lesson to be learned………….to please reveal it in a clear and gentle way………….

maybe it is in these moments when we really learn how strong we are, or maybe it is how weak………..

that we can get through this on our own…………….or that we need others

we are mentally strong enough to tackle it head on……………..or how close we are  completely losing it………….

it is in these moments we realize just how fragile we are………..how we walk a pencil thin line everyday………….between making it and breaking down………….

will you leave me?

man walking on floor

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i can’t keep up with you……………

…………do you secretly want to leave me?

i anxiously worry about the future……………………what if i don’t heal

…………will you dream about leaving me?

what if i get worse………….and i can no longer leave the house?

………..will you pray about leaving me?

what if i require even more of your time and energy………………..

……….will you desire to leave me?

what if i can no longer walk by your side…………………

……………will you hope to live a life free of me?

what if you become bored and she can do more………….

………….will you plan to leave me?

i am so thankful you have stayed this long…………..is it selfish to ask for more?

who wants to be tied down when you are physically able and free to go………………….

……………do you want to leave me?

………….what if?

the stupid(est) advice people have given me

marketing man person communication

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I have heard, just like all of you, a lot of really dumb and sometimes hurtful things through my years of chronic illnesses.  I am going to share the medical suggestions that I  can remember, but I should have kept a running list, it would have filled volumes.

 

You are going to stop having children because you are ill?  That is biblically wrong, you should have as many as you are given.

You are going to have surgery to correct a congenital issue?  You need to try these drops first; my friend sells them, they are all-natural, and cured her from food allergies.

You are not praying hard enough to be cured.

You are paying for the sins of your parents.

You are paying for the sins of your forefathers; you should go listen to this pastor’s seminar on how to pray correctly to break the curse.

You do not truly believe that you will be healed, so therefore you won’t be.

If  you worked full-time you wouldn’t have time to think about your problems and you would feel better.

You should spend more time away from home and your family.

You need to go vegan.

You need to go vegetarian.

You need to go paleo.

You need to go gluten-free.

You need to go dairy-free

You need to adopt a raw diet.

You need to eat fermented foods.

You need to do a month long juice cleanse.

You need to go on a liquid diet.

You need to do the GAPS diet.

Essential oils in the proper combination can cure all ailments.

Get your chakras lined up properly.

Infrared sauna can cure your sicknesses.

Colonics eventually cures all sicknesses.

Vitamin C IV therapy cures everything.

If you didn’t worry so much your body would heal itself.

Have you tried mediating more often?

Your illnesses are all in your head.

Have you tried yoga?

You need to exercise more.

Ozone therapy will cure you.

Yea, I know how you feel having a chronic illness, I had a lot of morning sickness while pregnant.  You just need to rest more.

You should get rid of all indoor pets.

Visualize health and then you will be healthy.

Massage therapy will get rid of all the toxins stored in your body leading to a cure.

Acupuncture would heal you.

A RIFE machine has codes to cure all illnesses.

Using an infrared sauna cures everything if used regularly.

You should stop taking all meds and supplements.

You should start taking more meds and/or supplements.

You are taking the wrong meds and/or supplements.

You should check yourself into a good hospital and have them run all kinds of tests so you really know what is going on

You just need to learn to push through it, it makes you stronger.

 

Please know that I do NOT think any of the above suggestions are in and of themselves  bad.  In fact, I think many of the ideas could be beneficial to some, in addition to an appropriate health care plan.  I have just found it amazing that people, having no experience with chronic illness themselves, feel they are the ones to give the best advice.

I would love to hear the stupid(est!) advice you have been given.

Until next time…..