can I run fast enough?

person running in the hallway

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there are days i want to run…….run so fast that my illnesses can’t keep up.

 

i will keep running until i can no longer feel them nipping at my heels, stalking me, tormenting me…….

 

trying to catch up and derail my goals, my dreams, my future

 

i will keep running until i am completely out of breath and i am so far out ahead that i can hide myself  from the beasts and watch them move past me……….

 

i will turn around and joyfully limp back to my life………

 

drums

close up photo of brown instrument with blue sticks

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the drums are beating…………i hear them from afar and they draw me in.

as i walk i try to hide myself from its pull

the beats, like my heart, give life to all that is around it

i creep closer……….the drum is under the open sky

i search for people………no one is there,

the drum is beating on its own

calling out to those who need to hear it, it draws us in……….

people begin encircling the drum from all directions- walking out of the darkness

searching for their own beating heart

 

 

tornado

tornado on body of water during golden hour

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a chronic illness is like a tornado………..it starts with little warning………the right conditions merging together to create a destructive force

it can create mass devastation to everyone and everything in it’s path with no regard to human suffering

it creates mass casualties

it destroys lives in a matter of moments

sends dreams flying through the air with no safe place to land

 

it brings people to their knees, crying………”I lost so much”

lives must be rebuilt

and maybe, just maybe, we will be able to rebuild a good life again, complete with blue skies and sunshine

friendships and chronic illness

adorable animals breed canine

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This is a tough subject for me to write about as it brings up a big bag of mixed emotions.  Chronic illness makes relationships tough, very tough.  When you have been ill as long as I have, friendships tend to fall by the way side.  People in our society want a quick fix, “feel better soon” is on so many cards that I want to puke.  CI doesn’t work that way, sickness is forever, barring a miraculous healing……and……yes, I pray and continue to pray for healing and continue to learn about my illnesses and take what steps I can to heal, but our society doesn’t like to deal with things for the long haul.

When you don’t know how you are going to feel in a week, let alone the next hour, it is hard to plan ahead.  Your brain so wants to go out and have fun, see friends, explore the world, plan a vacation for next year, but your body may have a very different plan.

As you grow older with your illness(es) it is even harder to maintain friendships.  You have had to cancel too often, your energy to reach out to people starts to dwindle.  You have a hard enough time just getting through your day……….work (if that is even possible), laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kiddos (if that is in your life), medical appointments, the list goes on and on………………by the end of the day, there is little to no energy left – if you even made it to the end of the day without having to crawl back into bed or back to the sofa.

This post may be sounding a bit like a downer, but I don’t mean it to be so.  It is more of a realistic reflection by someone who has been living this life for more than two decades.  Only you can determine how to maintain friendships, but I have discovered that it was much easier when I was younger………but as people grow older, have families, careers, their lives become bigger and mine has become smaller.  Yes, I was blessed with kids before my CIs really took hold, so all of my energy went to trying to get through my day.  Maintaining friendships for me was sending emails and personal letters letting others know I was thinking about them.  So many outings and get-togethers had to be cancelled because I just couldn’t be there………..some people get it, others don’t, and you just have to let those that don’t go.  It’s not worth the effort or stress on your already struggling body.

You have to be strong enough to truly believe that this is not your fault.  You did nothing wrong and you are an amazing person, they are the ones who are missing out by not taking time to be around you.  I have come to realize in my years of interacting with people who suffer, most of them are the most compassionate, loving, strong, amazing, gentle, generous people around.  If someone can’t see that because you had to cancel dinner plans as a result of your illness……..it is their loss.  Eventually the friendship will dissolve and that extra energy can be put in a place where someone will appreciate it and just maybe that someone is YOU!

 

 

cs lewis quote on friendship 15 Famous Quotes on Friendship

what if?

woman dark eye spooky

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what if there was no sadness?

what if there was no pain?

what if there was no sorrow?

what if there was no illness?

what if there were no struggles?

what if there was no evil?

what if there was no hunger?

 

what would all of that mean?