lonely road

 

bare trees at golden hour

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no one can truly understand the pain and discomfort of  living

to understand the masks put on every day, to live within the confines of  this society, not to be viewed as worthless, useless, in a culture that wants fast paced living, quick movements, immediate answers, a fountain of youth, boundless energy, radiating health………..

we struggle to even maneuver down this path……….it is twisting, turning sharply with multiple bumps in the road

it’s a lonely road we roam…………..the desperation, the clinging onto hope, the desire to feel normal……………it is astounding thoughts of healing we try to keep alive – pushed to the back of our minds so not to be overwhelmed with the thoughts of what might be.

the road is endless and uncharted.  it is an intimidating place to ramble as the fog covers the path – your view is obscured…………you have no ability to see where you are going.

it’s like taking a trip, to an unknown place without any clue to where you are going or how you are going to get there…………..not a path I would have chosen to take, but one I am on nonetheless.

what if?

woman dark eye spooky

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what if there was no sadness?

what if there was no pain?

what if there was no sorrow?

what if there was no illness?

what if there were no struggles?

what if there was no evil?

what if there was no hunger?

 

what would all of that mean?

I am so blessed to have you…..

silhouettes of couple kissing against sunset

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You were there from the beginning.  I didn’t see it, but you were there.  Waiting for me to notice………..to open my eyes to the gift that I was being given.  I wasn’t aware it was a gift for me…………one to have and to hold,  in sickness and in health.

I was scared of the gift……….maybe it wasn’t the right time to accept, maybe it wouldn’t last, maybe it was just wrong.

But you held on to the gift………..waiting for the time I was ready to accept.

As the veil was lifted from my eyes……….I saw you, really saw you for the first time.  You were my gift from God, a treasure beyond my wildest dreams.

Thank you for waiting………..thank you for being…………

 

 

3 days – 3 quotes nomination – Day #3

white dove on white bird figure stand

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I would like to sincerely thank momlifewithchiari for nominating me.  Please check out her blog where she graciously and bravely lives with a chronic illness and offers encouragement to others so beautifully.  She has been a huge encouragement for  me and I appreciate her!

HERE ARE THE RULES:

♣…Thank the person who nominated you.

♣…Post a quote for 3 days and explain why it appeals to you.

♣…Nominate bloggers each day!

 

“Everything on the earth has a purpose, every disease an herb to cure it, and every person a mission. This is the Indian theory of existence.” – Mourning Dove [Christine Quintasket] (1888-1936) Okanogan

 

I feel the truth of this quote deep into my soul.  Maybe it is because I am of Native descent and many of my beliefs have just been part of who I am for as far back as I can remember, or maybe it is because I just want to believe it, but either way…………they are words I hold as truths.

All living creatures that inhabit this Earth were put here for a reason.  We each have a purpose,  no matter what you are or are not physically able to do YOU have a purpose and your purpose it is important to the rest of humanity.  You have a mission……….whether or not you have discovered what it is…..your mission is important and so are you.  Yes, I realize I  just restated what Mourning Dove so brilliantly penned, but sometimes there is just nothing more to add.

I also KNOW with all of my heart that on this Earth was placed a cure for every disease, every illness, every ailment……………a belief that I have had, even before I became ill.  We just need to be open to possibilities and miracles that result from nature and not man made creations.

Even though everyone is important, has a mission, and we are to be kind and loving, to radiate truth and kindness, love and respect, that does not mean we need to do it at the expense of our self………….and therefore I leave you with a last quote……..

“I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.”

― Mahatma Gandhi

 

Amen!

 

My nominees are:  Below is a wonderful group of bloggers that I so enjoy following.  To my nominees………..if it is in your path to do this, I will look forward to reading your posts.  If not, please know that I thought of you………

 

A Voice From Iran

Sue Dreamwalker

Grace Deveraux

Oscar Dandelion

deontetowner

Something to Stu Over

Outrunning my demons

Our Frugal Escapades

Ckonfab

the dock

bridge colorful colourful dock

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I am standing on a weather worn dock, sticking out into the ocean.  It is strong and sturdy despite its wear.

behind me is  youthful exuberance, naturally green, full of movement and adventure.

I can’t really see it anymore……….if i turn around i have to squint to make out land, but I can tell it is green and there are people enjoying its beauty.

the waves roll on pass me.  the wind whips my clothing.

i can’t see very far in front of me.  i see the water, the waves coming in.  but there is no land……….no peninsula, no island, not even a boat in sight, no where to stop if I fall in.

the waves keep picking up speed.  the white caps begin to grow……….there is power in their beauty.  there is strength in their sound.

water hits the dock……..over the top and onto my bare legs…………it is so cold.

the water begins to come over the dock………i am holding on as not to be pull in by the waves.  How much strength will it take, how long will this last, how cold will it get?

i search for a place to go……………i can’t go back, the steps have vanished.

forward is water with no end in sight……………

and so I hold on and tell myself, I am strong.

my thoughts on chronic illness

abstract break broken broken glass

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My life feels like a glass vase slipping out of my hands and watching it shatter in hundreds of pieces……………..in slow motion.

I look at the pieces, lying scattered all over the cold, hard floor and wonder, where do I start?  Is it even possible to put the pieces back together?

 

So what is a person to do?

You get tired of appointments, tests, the stress of paying for “treatments” that you know may not work or worse yet, make things worse.  Searching for a medical professional that understands you as an individual and yet can see the whole picture is beyond frustrating.  Trying to find someone who can handle multiple chronic illnesses is nearly impossible.

You feel as if you are hiking through a deep, dense, dark, daunting forest with little sunlight streaming through the branches.  You are without a map or compass to guide your way.  You hear voices coming from all directions telling you what to do.  There are too many instructions and the words are so different from each other that there is no consensus, and it all sounds like jumbled nonsense.  Maybe they are all speaking in different languages?

It is now you realize it is really up to you to get out of this scary place.  But you are exhausted both mentally and physically, not sure how much longer you can travel.  You are praying for miracles…………..maybe a woodland fairy shows up to give you a magic healing potion,  or a light beam shines down directly on you from heaven and gives you divine healing, or maybe, just maybe, a phone booth will appear out of nowhere and  you can go inside and turn you into a superhero.

 

Until next time……………YOU are a superhero and superheros are born and gain their powers through tragedy.

5 ways to reduce anxiety when dealing with chronic illness.

four rock formation

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It has been my experience dealing with illnesses for decades, that anxiety rears it evil, unwanted head often for those of us living with chronic illness.  We live in a world filled with a lot of unknowns.  This is a reality we don’t want, in a world that doesn’t really get it, and can appear as if it doesn’t care.  So, how do you tackle those moments (or days) when anxiety comes charging straight ahead and doesn’t take into consideration where you are or what you are doing?  I definitely don’t have answers, just a humble list of things that have worked (not always) for me.

  1.  Breathe.  I know this sounds so simple, but in times of extreme stress and anxiety sometimes we forget to truly breathe.  We need to take a slow, deep breath to tell our bodies that we are in control……….whether we feel like it, or not.
  2.   Remind yourself you have been here before and you got through it.  This is a big one, the road is bumpy and terrible and you want to take a detour but sometimes there is just no where to turn around.  You have to go down the road and it will end.  You’ve got this!  It may not feel like it, but I have confidence in you!
  3.  Magnesium.  Yep, only if it is allowed by your medical professional.  But for me, magnesium glycinate has helped take the edge off more times than I can remember.  Most people with CI are low, so getting your magnesium levels checked may be beneficial for you.
  4.  Meditate.  I pull up a YouTube relaxation video and do my best.  One minute is better than none!
  5.  Get up and move.  Sitting still appears to keep my thoughts stagnant and focused on the bad.  Moving my body seems to start my thoughts moving and can bring a new perspective.

On top of these five, I also have one thing I do NOT  do.  When I am really stressed out and filled with anxiety about my health (or lack there of) I want to search for solutions.  I want to get better, I don’t want to be like this.  Like everyone else suffering from CI, I want my life back.  But, I have found that “googling it” makes things worse.  No matter what you are researching it seems as if the first thing that pops up is the word cancer……..who the hell needs to read such a horrible word when you are already super stressed!

Until next time YOU are a superhero!  Only a true superhero could do what you do, day in and day out.