There are days that I just can not pretend to be ok for one more second. The pain. The fog. The fear. The unknown. It gets the best of me, despite how hard I try to ignore it. It is in these moments that I fall apart.
I cry a personal brook, weeping myself into moments of inconsolable sadness. As I try to pull myself out of the despair, I think about all the people who have it worse, who are in their own part of the world crying their own personal stream………babbling to themselves that no one understands.
I visualize the tears of those who cry out for help………turning into streams………the streams all meeting up forming an ocean of tears…..
These tears are not seen by many, only those who live within the ocean, on an island of illness………..it is only when the winds pick up and the ocean gains strength enough to cry out do we really see the others who live here too.
But here in the ocean of tears, you find an abundance of life, completely different than what you would find on land – but beautiful just the same.
when i see you cry
a small part of me dies
i want to shelter you from every storm
create a world that is safe
for you to be free from pain
i want you to move through life as you please
independently with abundance of laughter and joy
but life is not always fair
bad things happen to extraordinary people
and despite my deepest desire and my fervent prayers
i can’t make it better
so when i see you cry
part of me dies…….
i stand outside as the storm begins to rage
the thunder rolls in sending animals scattering,
yet i don’t move,
shaking the earth under my feet,
my body quakes with fear as the world around me appears to shatter into pieces,
strikes hits too close leaving me cowering in a heap,
can i within stand the storm,
can i endure the constant barrage of raging winds and ravishing rains that beat at my body……..
no place to run,
no place to hide,
not only from the storm but from myself.
i am soaked to the bone,
cold to the touch,
immense fear engulfs my mind
is shelter worth searching for,
my soul cries out for comfort,
yet, do i need saving?
without shadows from the past
a future could not become so radiant
without true darkness
stars could not shine so magically
don’t allow your past to have power over you,
haunt your future,
or silence your voice,
extricate past abusers by throwing their negative words and actions into a heap
sending it out with the rubbish
and allowing the vultures to determine their fate
with the rubbish gone
plant some flowers in its place
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
The title of my blog gives away the fact that I live with at least one chronic illness. Now, I don’t want to brag, but I actually live with several, and as interesting as it sounds, it is not a whole lot of fun. Unfortunately I am not the only one in my family who lives with such a burden. Every person in my immediate family lives with at least one chronic illness.
As a result of all of our medical bills, we have learned to live on a tight budget. Over the years I have had to learn to be frugal and about 6 months ago I decided to put some of my frugal ways into a book, Frugal Seeds: 501 Ways to Make, Save or Stretch a Dollar. It is now available in both paperback and e-book on Amazon. The entire book can be read for FREE with an Amazon Kindle Unlimited membership.
You will notice it is written under a pen name. This has been done as I working on additional books and I am determined to keep the lives of my children private. Thank you for understanding.
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
alone in the water it stood
tall, strong and fearless
ravaged by wave after powerful wave
as if the water’s deepest desire was to bring her crashing down
she bravely faced each torrent
as the waves wore at the surface
her strength flickered
but her beauty remained
~ wendi, under the pen name Charlie, is the author of Frugal Seeds: 501 Ways to Make, Save, or Stretch a Dollar
true love is not easy, in fact it is down right hard.
loving someone when everything is going well is easy, so easy it makes me laugh.
real love is when you stick around for the hard stuff.
the real hard stuff isn’t financial troubles or family squabbles…..
if you are physically well, you can work two jobs, it might be hard but, if you are healthy it is doable.
family issues can be worked out if you have the health to endure them or capable to physically pick yourself up and move.
but illness………it shakes you to the core. lives are transformed in an instant, roles change, individuals get lost in the symptoms leaving the caretaker to fed for themselves in a sea of uncertainty.
only with true love do you have the freedom to heal.
Today, may you experience a sense of healing, no matter how small.
~ wendi, under the pen name Charlie, is the author of Frugal Seeds: 501 Ways to Make, Save, or Stretch a Dollar.
January 1st, 2018 I decided to make a resolution not to watch any TV news. I made this resolution half joking, saying it mainly out of frustration of all the depressing stories I heard day after day. What I discovered after a few weeks was that I felt a bit better. My anxiety dropped and I spent less time watching TV. It was a wonderful experience/experiment and one I plan to carry on in 2019 as part of my……..do more of good and and less of the bad activities.
Wishing you a year of more good stuff in your life!
watching the sun fade into the landscape, it leaves my world dark and still,
it is in these moments that my mind starts to question all that I think to be true
it is a time when I begin to rewrite my own story….
as the dawn arrives, I face a brand new day………and I pray,
maybe today I can make it different